I'm always dreaming.

I'm feeling ridiculously hopeful. Nothing has gone completely right or wrong to make me feel so strongly but I just know that something good is coming.
I started readin g the first book of the Twilight saga. I know how cliche saying I'm in love with Edward is, but it's true. Each page I fall more and more irrevocably in love with his character. I'm not completely sure if I believe in my soul mate, but hopefully he is out there somewhere. Gorgeous, sweet, strong, caring, and has a scent that is alluring. I have a thing for scent. I'm still in love with love. I don't know what to do but I find myself dreaming about what it feels like to be in love again. I'm not waiting for it, I'm just dreaming. I'm always dreaming these days.

I should, but I don't

It scares me a little; how much a don't care. I should care, but I don't. Everything that was supposed to mean something to me doesn't. All of the things that shouldn't mean anything do. It's like I created my own reality and only I can understand it. A few people get me, but again, I don't care. The only goal right now is to be happy. Searching for answers, understanding life, realizing what is possible and what isn't, the motivation I need to get there, and the simple structure that is my will to do so. The only difference between this idea and selfishness is that I won't walk on other people in order to achieve anything. No one is a pawn to my own essential gain. They are merely awarded what they are owed; my love and compassion. It interests me to see who accuses me of living wrong. They say that I need to be more this and that. They're the ones wasting away their lives with pot, alcohol, drugs, unneccesary short-lived fixes, and tell me that I'm the one who needs change. I'll admit that the thought does cross my mind wondering if I am in fact in the wrong, but what is wrong? How do we base one perspective of wrong to someone elses? Of course it will seem wrong if you never thought of doing it. Morality differentiates person to person. Who are they to tell me I'm wrong? We all do it, though. Internally judge everyone trying to figure out how better off we are. Not in a hasty sense, but in the sense where you are hoping to feel happiness on the inside to prove that you're living well. So the true root of happiness; what is it? I know certain instances create that feeling that the dictionary defines as happy, but what strikes the nerve? How do we feel emotions and what makes them different? What about people with disorders? Is their happy different from everyone elses? I have anxiety disorder and my happy is mixed with anxiety. When I'm happy I have a sense of worry because I think of how long it will last. So on this journey through life we all try and discover who or what we are to this giant planet, understand the relativity of different things and ask ourselves why it is how it is. What is our purpose for living? Why must we do the things we do in order to make an appropriate storybook life for ourselves? That's my problem; I care, but when it comes to the things that are storybook important, I could care less. I'm not lazy, I just don't care. Who cares what class rank you got in high school? Who cares what popular guy you dated throughout Junior year? Who cares how many people she slept with and why he isn't talking to him anymore? It's all so damn unimportant. What's important is morality and trying to find a way to live life the way it was meant to be lived, and I believe that is healthily and emotionally. If we would all stop cheating, lying, hating, killing and decieving, maybe life and people would be a lot better off and maybe this is how we achieve happiness; at a national level we all define as the same thing.

I don't know if any of that made sense. My brain is so crazy right now. Hm.

Disappointment

I've never felt so vulnerable before. He seemed to have everything at first but after I got to know him I was sadly mistaken. I always have that happen. I have so much faith in the idea of a person but once the true personality shines through they aren't what I expected; generally players, fake, sweet talkers. I think it's time someone came around that cared about me as much as I do about them. Maybe I care too much. People that play the dating game seem to get lucky, but I don't like to play games with people's emotions. Never good enough, "hot" enough, funny enough, clingy enough, distant enough, it seems like everyone is expecting perfection. I'm not perfect, never will be, and don't pretend to be. I can promise you my trust, honesty, and love, though. All you need is love, right? It's scary how much I wish I had someone like that, someone that loves me for me. I'm not desperate, more like hopeful. I don't even know why I'm hopeful. Waiting is so tiring and I get so impatient because I give so much and get practically nothing in return from people emotionally. It's exhausting. It's so painful to my ego, heart, and soul. All I want is honesty. Can I just get a little of that, please? Not brutal honesty, not the stuff that hurts you to the core, just honesty with how to win you over. Because I know that I can make someone happy. Sometimes that's all you need. I need someone to be there when I'm scared with something I cannot control. Like, thunderstorms. The rain is great, but the loud thunder scares me. Maybe having someone there to sit next to me listening to the rain hit the ground and sitting in silence knowing it is not awkward is all I truly want. Is he out there?