Inspired by Love

I want to make a difference in someone's life. I want to make a mark on someone's heart. I want to be the reason someone wants to smile. I want to be the reason someone's heart skips a beat. I want to be the reason someone's stomach begins to flutter. I want to be the reason someone's knees go weak. I want to be the reason someone's lips start trembling. I need to be the reason someone falls in love. Its happened already. I realized it tonight. After all of this time I finally understood just how much he is in love with me. He doesn't care how emotional I can be, he just wants me. He is with me through the good and bad and is my own personal light at the end of the tunnel. I never thought I'd fall so hard like this ever again, but if it's possible I feel like I have fallen the hardest in my life for a boy named Dylan Miles. We have our good times and rough ones, but at the end of it all we are smiling, laughing, kissing, hugging and loving eachother before we even say goodnight. As many people may try to come between us, nothing can or will break the bond we've created. It's almost been 6 months since we started dating on January 16th, 2009. That's the day my life changed forever. My mind and heart race 1 thousand miles an hour just trying to fathom my feelings for this boy. He's my favorite person in this world. He has become my best friend and my other half. He makes me want to be better. He makes me want to be stronger. For him I would do anything, and I mean ANYTHING. I'm that person already by nature, but he takes it to the next level. If I can be the one to make him smile I feel accomplished. Being the one to make him feel better when he's sick makes my getting sick 100 percent worth it. I feel like each day I fall more and more in love with Dylan. It's a great feeling to have someone unconditionally love you and not want to leave you for the next thing. He wants me and only me which makes me feel desireable, special, and beautiful.

"You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've been that you realized how much you need it, how much you love it."

I'll try not to take him for granted. I'm in love with this boy and have been through the relationship thing before. This just feels different. It feels more right than anything else that has happened in my life so far. I'm in love and I feel like I can do anything.

Love

I'm in love. I've fallen completely head over heels in love. It's stronger than my first love by far. He gets me, he knows me, he wants me, and he lets me know it every day. He makes me so HAPPY. He makes me want to be better. Confident. Me. He makes me want to try harder with life and make myself flourish. He makes me want to breathe. :)

All Along

I'm feeling more and more capable of being happy. I am finally gaining my sense of trust back, and I actually have some faith in humanity again. I'm really enjoying the choices I've been making and admit I'm scared of the outcome, but I say I believe everything happens for a reason so, I'm going to pray that this is what I have needed all along.

I'm always dreaming.

I'm feeling ridiculously hopeful. Nothing has gone completely right or wrong to make me feel so strongly but I just know that something good is coming.
I started readin g the first book of the Twilight saga. I know how cliche saying I'm in love with Edward is, but it's true. Each page I fall more and more irrevocably in love with his character. I'm not completely sure if I believe in my soul mate, but hopefully he is out there somewhere. Gorgeous, sweet, strong, caring, and has a scent that is alluring. I have a thing for scent. I'm still in love with love. I don't know what to do but I find myself dreaming about what it feels like to be in love again. I'm not waiting for it, I'm just dreaming. I'm always dreaming these days.

I should, but I don't

It scares me a little; how much a don't care. I should care, but I don't. Everything that was supposed to mean something to me doesn't. All of the things that shouldn't mean anything do. It's like I created my own reality and only I can understand it. A few people get me, but again, I don't care. The only goal right now is to be happy. Searching for answers, understanding life, realizing what is possible and what isn't, the motivation I need to get there, and the simple structure that is my will to do so. The only difference between this idea and selfishness is that I won't walk on other people in order to achieve anything. No one is a pawn to my own essential gain. They are merely awarded what they are owed; my love and compassion. It interests me to see who accuses me of living wrong. They say that I need to be more this and that. They're the ones wasting away their lives with pot, alcohol, drugs, unneccesary short-lived fixes, and tell me that I'm the one who needs change. I'll admit that the thought does cross my mind wondering if I am in fact in the wrong, but what is wrong? How do we base one perspective of wrong to someone elses? Of course it will seem wrong if you never thought of doing it. Morality differentiates person to person. Who are they to tell me I'm wrong? We all do it, though. Internally judge everyone trying to figure out how better off we are. Not in a hasty sense, but in the sense where you are hoping to feel happiness on the inside to prove that you're living well. So the true root of happiness; what is it? I know certain instances create that feeling that the dictionary defines as happy, but what strikes the nerve? How do we feel emotions and what makes them different? What about people with disorders? Is their happy different from everyone elses? I have anxiety disorder and my happy is mixed with anxiety. When I'm happy I have a sense of worry because I think of how long it will last. So on this journey through life we all try and discover who or what we are to this giant planet, understand the relativity of different things and ask ourselves why it is how it is. What is our purpose for living? Why must we do the things we do in order to make an appropriate storybook life for ourselves? That's my problem; I care, but when it comes to the things that are storybook important, I could care less. I'm not lazy, I just don't care. Who cares what class rank you got in high school? Who cares what popular guy you dated throughout Junior year? Who cares how many people she slept with and why he isn't talking to him anymore? It's all so damn unimportant. What's important is morality and trying to find a way to live life the way it was meant to be lived, and I believe that is healthily and emotionally. If we would all stop cheating, lying, hating, killing and decieving, maybe life and people would be a lot better off and maybe this is how we achieve happiness; at a national level we all define as the same thing.

I don't know if any of that made sense. My brain is so crazy right now. Hm.

Disappointment

I've never felt so vulnerable before. He seemed to have everything at first but after I got to know him I was sadly mistaken. I always have that happen. I have so much faith in the idea of a person but once the true personality shines through they aren't what I expected; generally players, fake, sweet talkers. I think it's time someone came around that cared about me as much as I do about them. Maybe I care too much. People that play the dating game seem to get lucky, but I don't like to play games with people's emotions. Never good enough, "hot" enough, funny enough, clingy enough, distant enough, it seems like everyone is expecting perfection. I'm not perfect, never will be, and don't pretend to be. I can promise you my trust, honesty, and love, though. All you need is love, right? It's scary how much I wish I had someone like that, someone that loves me for me. I'm not desperate, more like hopeful. I don't even know why I'm hopeful. Waiting is so tiring and I get so impatient because I give so much and get practically nothing in return from people emotionally. It's exhausting. It's so painful to my ego, heart, and soul. All I want is honesty. Can I just get a little of that, please? Not brutal honesty, not the stuff that hurts you to the core, just honesty with how to win you over. Because I know that I can make someone happy. Sometimes that's all you need. I need someone to be there when I'm scared with something I cannot control. Like, thunderstorms. The rain is great, but the loud thunder scares me. Maybe having someone there to sit next to me listening to the rain hit the ground and sitting in silence knowing it is not awkward is all I truly want. Is he out there?

All I can hope for.

It's true happiness that I feel right now. I feel like I have actual friends, an actual life, and actual sense of responsibility. I can do what I want when I need to and I have the ability to be myself. I've let go of my unrealistic dream of a guy for the winter because that's not really what I want at all; I'm waiting for the real thing. So when that comes along, great. Until then, I'm good just being independent.
I've been going to the gym for a week now and I feel so much better about myself. I had a crappy band test today which made last night horrible and dreadful. I did well and today was great afterwards. I need to step it up, though. I need to stop being so lethargic and be the best I can be. I don't want to be left behind and I won't be. I work just as hard as the next person and still make time for me. That's all we can really hope to accomplish in these high school years, right?
Black Friday is next week and I am so excited. I love Thanksgiving, I love the traditional sleepover and then the next morning waking up at 4 in the morning shopping until we run out of money. The best thing about it all is the money goes towards other people; the people we love. It's a day of christmas shopping for christmas! Isn't it crazy? Christmas is already here. Soon enough I'll be a high school graduate. It's all so surreal but I'm really enjoying the journey.
Life is so up and down but right now I'm making sure I move gracefully through each of the spectrums. I've been thinking a lot of the past lately but maybe we need to come to terms with the past in order to move on for the future. I feel like I am finally gaining some perspective on myself and how I react to different things. I think so often now and I am often lost in my own thoughts. I can't say I mind it, though.
"Hearts aren't practical until they are made unbreakable." I don't know if hearts were meant to be emotionally practical. The beauty of life is feeling such strong emotions. Without the bad ones they wouldn't make the good ones so rewarding.