I'm looking off

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds."

As I sit here wondering when everything will start to make sense, I realize that whenever I think about the Notebook I find myself crying. Is it that I am touched by their story? Or am I jealous that I want the feeling of true love back into my life? I had it once. My soul was in fact awakened. I felt complete, whole, happy, and truly myself. But I couldn't give my entire self away. I was stuck in a daze that I couldn't get out of. I was sick. I became angry that I was left out since I had to miss so much school- I wasn't able to live. I was angry at myself for not understanding what was wrong with me but I was more angry at everyone else for not being able to understand.
I've grown so much since then. I've been single, independent, and learning about myself for quite sometime. I felt heartbreak like I had never thought imaginable. That's the thing I'm most afraid of; heartbreak. It's inevitable- but in order to have love must we have heartbreak? Does heartbreak define us in a way? Do we maybe think we truly appreciate what we have but actually don't have any idea? I think until you have lost something you don't realize what it meant to you in the first place. But must we lose what we love so many times to renew the feeling? That to me, is not fair.
Why does God take things away? I know that he doesn't give us anything we can't handle, but it seems that so much bad happens. Where is all of the good? Is the good constantly happening but we just don't realize it because the bad seems so much more in comparison? I just don't know. Pain is a hard thing to handle. "Pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love." It's true. Pain does steal you away when you least expect it. It diminished but it usually seems like a decade passes by until you feel completely new again. Is pain crucial to our existence? If there were no pain we might not have any perception whatsoever. Without pain there is no faith. You need fear in order to have faith in something. Maybe pain is put on this Earth to help us grasp onto the different things that make us who we are. Maybe we are all searching for what we were meant for with the underlying issue of fear and pain rooting for us. Does pain always have to be a negative thing, or can it be a positive thing as well? It forces us to grow even when it hurts us terribly. I won't say I enjoy pain, but I grow so much from it. Maybe embracing pain helps mend the broken pieces a lot quicker. Maybe, just maybe, pain helps teach us to love.
Love is a great thing to experience. It's scary to lose, shakes your belief system up, and completely morphs you into someone completely different; happier; faithful; invincible. You can be those things without love of course, but maybe love is what makes everyone motivated. Who doesn't like waking up in the morning just to see that person that makes you smile? Everyone loves a reason to be something. We all just want to be something. For ourselves. To someone else. We want to be their something; their everything. Does it happen for everyone? Did I lose my chance?