I'm always dreaming.

I'm feeling ridiculously hopeful. Nothing has gone completely right or wrong to make me feel so strongly but I just know that something good is coming.
I started readin g the first book of the Twilight saga. I know how cliche saying I'm in love with Edward is, but it's true. Each page I fall more and more irrevocably in love with his character. I'm not completely sure if I believe in my soul mate, but hopefully he is out there somewhere. Gorgeous, sweet, strong, caring, and has a scent that is alluring. I have a thing for scent. I'm still in love with love. I don't know what to do but I find myself dreaming about what it feels like to be in love again. I'm not waiting for it, I'm just dreaming. I'm always dreaming these days.

I should, but I don't

It scares me a little; how much a don't care. I should care, but I don't. Everything that was supposed to mean something to me doesn't. All of the things that shouldn't mean anything do. It's like I created my own reality and only I can understand it. A few people get me, but again, I don't care. The only goal right now is to be happy. Searching for answers, understanding life, realizing what is possible and what isn't, the motivation I need to get there, and the simple structure that is my will to do so. The only difference between this idea and selfishness is that I won't walk on other people in order to achieve anything. No one is a pawn to my own essential gain. They are merely awarded what they are owed; my love and compassion. It interests me to see who accuses me of living wrong. They say that I need to be more this and that. They're the ones wasting away their lives with pot, alcohol, drugs, unneccesary short-lived fixes, and tell me that I'm the one who needs change. I'll admit that the thought does cross my mind wondering if I am in fact in the wrong, but what is wrong? How do we base one perspective of wrong to someone elses? Of course it will seem wrong if you never thought of doing it. Morality differentiates person to person. Who are they to tell me I'm wrong? We all do it, though. Internally judge everyone trying to figure out how better off we are. Not in a hasty sense, but in the sense where you are hoping to feel happiness on the inside to prove that you're living well. So the true root of happiness; what is it? I know certain instances create that feeling that the dictionary defines as happy, but what strikes the nerve? How do we feel emotions and what makes them different? What about people with disorders? Is their happy different from everyone elses? I have anxiety disorder and my happy is mixed with anxiety. When I'm happy I have a sense of worry because I think of how long it will last. So on this journey through life we all try and discover who or what we are to this giant planet, understand the relativity of different things and ask ourselves why it is how it is. What is our purpose for living? Why must we do the things we do in order to make an appropriate storybook life for ourselves? That's my problem; I care, but when it comes to the things that are storybook important, I could care less. I'm not lazy, I just don't care. Who cares what class rank you got in high school? Who cares what popular guy you dated throughout Junior year? Who cares how many people she slept with and why he isn't talking to him anymore? It's all so damn unimportant. What's important is morality and trying to find a way to live life the way it was meant to be lived, and I believe that is healthily and emotionally. If we would all stop cheating, lying, hating, killing and decieving, maybe life and people would be a lot better off and maybe this is how we achieve happiness; at a national level we all define as the same thing.

I don't know if any of that made sense. My brain is so crazy right now. Hm.

Disappointment

I've never felt so vulnerable before. He seemed to have everything at first but after I got to know him I was sadly mistaken. I always have that happen. I have so much faith in the idea of a person but once the true personality shines through they aren't what I expected; generally players, fake, sweet talkers. I think it's time someone came around that cared about me as much as I do about them. Maybe I care too much. People that play the dating game seem to get lucky, but I don't like to play games with people's emotions. Never good enough, "hot" enough, funny enough, clingy enough, distant enough, it seems like everyone is expecting perfection. I'm not perfect, never will be, and don't pretend to be. I can promise you my trust, honesty, and love, though. All you need is love, right? It's scary how much I wish I had someone like that, someone that loves me for me. I'm not desperate, more like hopeful. I don't even know why I'm hopeful. Waiting is so tiring and I get so impatient because I give so much and get practically nothing in return from people emotionally. It's exhausting. It's so painful to my ego, heart, and soul. All I want is honesty. Can I just get a little of that, please? Not brutal honesty, not the stuff that hurts you to the core, just honesty with how to win you over. Because I know that I can make someone happy. Sometimes that's all you need. I need someone to be there when I'm scared with something I cannot control. Like, thunderstorms. The rain is great, but the loud thunder scares me. Maybe having someone there to sit next to me listening to the rain hit the ground and sitting in silence knowing it is not awkward is all I truly want. Is he out there?

All I can hope for.

It's true happiness that I feel right now. I feel like I have actual friends, an actual life, and actual sense of responsibility. I can do what I want when I need to and I have the ability to be myself. I've let go of my unrealistic dream of a guy for the winter because that's not really what I want at all; I'm waiting for the real thing. So when that comes along, great. Until then, I'm good just being independent.
I've been going to the gym for a week now and I feel so much better about myself. I had a crappy band test today which made last night horrible and dreadful. I did well and today was great afterwards. I need to step it up, though. I need to stop being so lethargic and be the best I can be. I don't want to be left behind and I won't be. I work just as hard as the next person and still make time for me. That's all we can really hope to accomplish in these high school years, right?
Black Friday is next week and I am so excited. I love Thanksgiving, I love the traditional sleepover and then the next morning waking up at 4 in the morning shopping until we run out of money. The best thing about it all is the money goes towards other people; the people we love. It's a day of christmas shopping for christmas! Isn't it crazy? Christmas is already here. Soon enough I'll be a high school graduate. It's all so surreal but I'm really enjoying the journey.
Life is so up and down but right now I'm making sure I move gracefully through each of the spectrums. I've been thinking a lot of the past lately but maybe we need to come to terms with the past in order to move on for the future. I feel like I am finally gaining some perspective on myself and how I react to different things. I think so often now and I am often lost in my own thoughts. I can't say I mind it, though.
"Hearts aren't practical until they are made unbreakable." I don't know if hearts were meant to be emotionally practical. The beauty of life is feeling such strong emotions. Without the bad ones they wouldn't make the good ones so rewarding.

Is It Myth?

I think we all just want to be wanted; need to wanted. I want someone to find me so significant that they show me what it means to be so in love. We all just want hope that we can endure our own epic love story. At least I do.
When does true love take over all subject matter? Is that merely a myth? Or does true love navigate your morality to do whatever you need in order to get that person? Do guys actually drive to your house with a boombox on their shoulders blasting your song? Do they show up randomly to give one single flower of your favorite to see you smile? Do they really grab you into a passionate kiss and you feel like you felt the Earth move? Does this love exist?
I wish and hope and wonder where these guys are. They are hidden and I am not looking very hard to find them. I am always the one in the chase. I deserve to be chased; I deserve to be wooed; I deserve to be swept off of my feet. I believe that one day that special guy will take my heart captive and I will be in love again. I'm counting on it... because I feel like I have lost my true ability to love. When our hearts are emotionally crippled do they ever become whole again? I think so. I think that true love mends all wounds.
And I am still sitting here waiting for my epic love, my epic love story, and my wounded heart to be made whole again.

I'm looking off

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds."

As I sit here wondering when everything will start to make sense, I realize that whenever I think about the Notebook I find myself crying. Is it that I am touched by their story? Or am I jealous that I want the feeling of true love back into my life? I had it once. My soul was in fact awakened. I felt complete, whole, happy, and truly myself. But I couldn't give my entire self away. I was stuck in a daze that I couldn't get out of. I was sick. I became angry that I was left out since I had to miss so much school- I wasn't able to live. I was angry at myself for not understanding what was wrong with me but I was more angry at everyone else for not being able to understand.
I've grown so much since then. I've been single, independent, and learning about myself for quite sometime. I felt heartbreak like I had never thought imaginable. That's the thing I'm most afraid of; heartbreak. It's inevitable- but in order to have love must we have heartbreak? Does heartbreak define us in a way? Do we maybe think we truly appreciate what we have but actually don't have any idea? I think until you have lost something you don't realize what it meant to you in the first place. But must we lose what we love so many times to renew the feeling? That to me, is not fair.
Why does God take things away? I know that he doesn't give us anything we can't handle, but it seems that so much bad happens. Where is all of the good? Is the good constantly happening but we just don't realize it because the bad seems so much more in comparison? I just don't know. Pain is a hard thing to handle. "Pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love." It's true. Pain does steal you away when you least expect it. It diminished but it usually seems like a decade passes by until you feel completely new again. Is pain crucial to our existence? If there were no pain we might not have any perception whatsoever. Without pain there is no faith. You need fear in order to have faith in something. Maybe pain is put on this Earth to help us grasp onto the different things that make us who we are. Maybe we are all searching for what we were meant for with the underlying issue of fear and pain rooting for us. Does pain always have to be a negative thing, or can it be a positive thing as well? It forces us to grow even when it hurts us terribly. I won't say I enjoy pain, but I grow so much from it. Maybe embracing pain helps mend the broken pieces a lot quicker. Maybe, just maybe, pain helps teach us to love.
Love is a great thing to experience. It's scary to lose, shakes your belief system up, and completely morphs you into someone completely different; happier; faithful; invincible. You can be those things without love of course, but maybe love is what makes everyone motivated. Who doesn't like waking up in the morning just to see that person that makes you smile? Everyone loves a reason to be something. We all just want to be something. For ourselves. To someone else. We want to be their something; their everything. Does it happen for everyone? Did I lose my chance?

Breathe in So Deep

I feel clean, new, open; happy. Despite the negative energy throughout the entire day, this season never allows me to be unhappy. October through January is such a dream sequence. No one understands why it brings me such solitude but it does. I feel like anything can happen, dreams are ab le to persevere, and love is definitley in the air. Winter starts to creep up, you bundle up to keep warm (which is an excuse to get close) and greatfullness swims through my veins. I love being greatful. I am greatful even if I don't show it 100% of the time. I may have my bad moments, my rants, rampages, mistakes, but in the end I own up to everything which makes me feel like I am doing something right. God is my moral compass and I can always live purely through him. He brings me love, safety, kindness, respect, and the strength to be a great person. I love being alive, I love the hardships that seem bad at the time, I love trial and tribulation, I love times that are great, and I love being able to feel emotions. This natural high I'm on is never-ending and I live for this feeling. I'm in love with this time of the year.

It's not always easy.

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday. "
I want that- I want to want someone that much that I need them everyday. I need to have that, I need to want that, and I need to experience that. Love is not some random feeling you can ignore; if it is meant to be, it will happen whether you want it to or not.

"Sometimes I wonder if anything's absolute anymore. Is There Still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable,left to interpretation, grey. Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, transform it, cause we're faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes things simply catch up to us."
Not everything is so cut and dry. Sometimes things are confusing enough to not make sense no matter how hard we try to stabalize its meaning. I believe in grey areas as much as I believe in black and white.

"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up."
I don't think giving up is a choice. We need to move on in order to keep up with the passing moments. The passing moments are what make life worth being here for and if you go on ignoring the true beauty around us, you aren't living. Mark your own path, your own way, your own persona. Without individuality it makes living that much more confusing because you need to know who you are. Not now, not tomorrow, but soon enough. Life is not about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself.

It's getting colder...

The holidays are getting closer and it makes me feel so happy. I can't really explain why- but I feel like everything is given an extra chance or hope of turning well. It gets cold, you need to cuddle in blankets to get warm, you dress up for parties, you dress up for holidays, you spend time with people you care about, and everything just seems so cheerful. The decorations go up around the stores, lights blink throughout the nights, christmas carols play all day, and you are given a new chance to live. We all need this hope in life and within these months I feel like I am actually living.

My tears echo

I see the tear form; A dark alley, empty streets, traffic lights blinking from red to yellow to green, there is not one car in sight, but I am walking alone trying to find the answers.
The tear drops and it feels like rain. But that's when the rain begins to fall and nourished the grief-stricken self I have become.
I know it was a move from the heart, but my heart is at tug-of-war having to deal with the consequences. Does this ever get easier, does love ever get easier? You are supposed to feel it once it is right. You should know when you are in love because nothing can ever be right unless you have that person. I want to find that true love so I can discover meaning.
The tear forms again and I see the world in black and white. The smoky air and mist envelops my vision as I think about the meaning of love: you can look to others for help but love is not meant to be copied; it is made on its own until the splendor fills the void.
I wipe the freezing cold tear from my face and realize that I have lived and loved which is a gift. Through the pain of a break-up to the pain of fighting for the one you love, you have discovered the meaning of longing. It hurts, but it is worth every ounce of pain.
I think I'm in love with love, and it scares me.

Something Worth Meaning

I sit here waiting for something epic to happen. Something worth writing about, worth telling stories about, worth getting excited about. I've lost my will to write meaning. When that happens, it feels like someone has ripped my tongue out and I cannot speak my opinion or thoughts. It is definitley suffocating... I want to write something that means something to someone. I want to change someone for the better. I want to make a difference... how will I ever know? Will anyone ever tell me if I meant that much to them? Or do we all go on with our lives simply not knowing what we really have accomplished? I need answers but I don't think I even know all of the questions yet.